Broke Boyfriends

I love few things. That means that I hate many things.
I hate stupid people; they make life difficult.
I hate people that lie unnecessarily.
I hate people that don’t respect themselves.
I hate people that don’t contribute positively in a group project.
I hate when Arsenal loses a match.
I hate when a dude doesn’t understand that some babes are off-limits.
I could go on and on just like Adrianna Lima’s legs but I will stop here. FOR NOW.

This dude had /has (I don’t even want to know anymore) a little thingy for me. A “flame”. So, I am into J. My friend, Diane , knows. She thinks it is cool that I have a major thing for J. J obviously loves me back. The thing is that we are doing “lowkey loving”. In the words of Cynthia Morgan, “I’m taken.”

I told Bode, the dude in question who later turned out to be a questionable dude, that we were not going to happen. J is everything I have ever wanted. Bode just doesn’t come close. Nah! Neh! Nih! Noh! Nuh! Now, Bode is a student like me. Those of us who had jobs quit to focus on school. Graduate school is no joke. In order words, Bode is low on cash. I am not saying he is broke. Or am I?

He had been wanting to “take me out”. I just used to wonder if he could. I should let you know that money is a necessity. You need it. You must get it. Don’t kid yourself that money isn’t important in a romantic relationship. If a broke dude is dating a girl, he should know that when a rich dude waltzes in, his place will be taken. Usurped. A logical being won’t see comfort and go for “uncomfortable”. If you were to pick between Fried Rice with Fried Turkey and Beans with Garri, you, my dear will go for the former. Fried Rice with Fried Turkey.

I was tired in school. I asked my friend, Diane, if she wanted to hangout. She knew I was moody. Bless her heart. Somehow,a breeze from God-Knows-Where blew Bode my way.
“Howdy?” he asked.
“I am not in a good mood.”
“You are never in a good mood.”
“I have my moments.”  I was staring at Bode. Diane didn’t have anything to say. “We are hanging out now. I don’t want to be here. You care to join us?”
“Why not?” And that was how Bode came with us.

We got to our “destination”. At the counter, Bode asked what we were going to get. I ordered for the same thing with Diane. A sausage roll and a doughnut. We decided to share a bottle of water. I didn’t want to pee until I got home. Bode got 2 sausage rolls (something phallus-like. If I didn’t know better, I’d have said Bode loves his kind. Do I know better?) and a bottle of water. Guess how much he brought out. How much he contributed. 250 Naira. I didn’t know where to start getting pissed. He handed the money to Diane. She took it from him then she brought out a thousand Naira note. We literarily paid for his water.

We got a space to seat. I sat facing Diane and Bode. First thing he said was, “You know I am not good at conversations.” I replied with a wave of my right hand, “I already know.” Tell me something new.
It was like he read my mind and decided to do the opposite; telling me what I already knew. He said he is re-reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Like seriously? On and on he went.

That was the most annoying hangout ever.

He is obviously not boyfriend material. Why didn’t he come up with an excuse not to hangout with us? He knew he was broke and boring – a lethal combination in anyone, especially a dude. He should have just left me to be with my friend. We would have had more fun. More isn’t always merrier.

The next day at school, I gave him the cold shoulder. Unlike before, he just kept to himself. He just said a perfunctory “hi” in the morning.

My point is this: if a dude wants to date a girl, he should make sure he is not broke. I am not saying he should impress her. No. He should be able to pay for his bottle of water on their first date. First impression matters. I won’t date a broke dude who can’t even afford recharge cards to call me. I prefer a hard working man with money. He may not be always there. I have my own thing going. I won’t even ask him for money. I can take care of myself. I just don’t want a parasitic boyfriend. Just imagine he is always asking me for money to fuel his car. God forbid bad thin’!

I am starting a campaign #SayNoToBrokeBoyfriends. This will make dudes focus on making money. Someone focused on making money won’t have time to think of stupid things. He won’t lie unnecessarily that he is good enough for the women that are off-limits. That way, they respect themselves. If you remember my I Hate list, Bode embodies the things I hate.