An Emotional Existence

Monday, 22nd December

I went to a cinema with J. There, we watched the movie, Annie. J and I made plans for this Christmas season. J promised we were going to have fun. Boy did I have fun.

We got movie food (who made pop corn and soda the official food for cinema?) and we entered the dimly-lit room. J held my palm. This was meant to be innocent. Yet, I FELT it. You know what I mean. Maybe it was the ambience; the atmosphere. J led me to a corner of the room. At the back. Luckily, for J, there were only two seats left at the corner. The stars aligned for J. (J obviously had motives of an ulterior nature).

“We are sitting here,” J leaned in and whispered in my ear.
“Huh?” I thought we were here to watch a movie. Why was J doing this? J knows the ear talk does untold things to me. J knew it worked. That was when J nuzzled my ear. Sweet Baby Jesus! We were in public. Well, a dimly-lit public.
“What’s it, babe?”  J gave me a grin. A ‘come-let-me-make-love-to-you’ grin.
“Ehn?” I had to stop myself from moaning.
“Please, sit.” J motioned to the seat next to the wall. I sat and J did same. “Are you well?”  J gave me a puzzled look. J was putting up the clueless act. On a good day, I would have said something biting. But here I sat. Dumb and numb.
“Ehn…” I managed to articulate that sound. J does things to me that make my IQ take a deep plunge into the depths of the Ocean of Dumbness. Now, I was replying in monosyllables. Where was the sharp-tongued me? She was outside the cinema watching J make my juice flow. Way to go, Cisi. Way to go.
“Come here, let’s lock lips,” J’s hand was on my nape.

The feel of J’s lips sent me reeling. I wasn’t even thinking. I couldn’t think if I tried. I don’t do public display of affection (PDA) but here I was leaning into J.  I didn’t want to moan. But it came out. J just knows how to play my strings. I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t care if anyone was watching.

“I love you,” J said as the kiss ended.

I was shocked to the marrow. You know that kind of shock you get when PHCN gives you light after a very long time of darkness? You don’t even know how to scream “up NEPA”.

J looked at me closely, “What’s with you this afternoon?”
“Uh… Nothing.” I kissed J. I didn’t have anything reasonable to say. Salacious didn’t even come close to describing this kiss. You know what? I hadn’t seen J since Thursday. I missed J. I had to stop this before it got out of hand. I was feeling dizzy. I couldn’t even focus. My head was spinning. J was trying to regain composure. We have that effect on each other. The movie soundtrack was playing. I can’t remember if it was “Tomorrow”  or “It’s a Hard Knock Life.” I couldn’t concentrate on the movie. I was staring at the images.

I was thinking to myself, when was the last time I was with someone who made me feel so much? Yes, I have been with people. But with J, it is different. I get ideas just staring at J’s brown eyes. Just being in the same space with J has my heart beating fast. Why do the wrong things feel so right? So good? J once told me, “when you are not around ; when I am not with you, I feel like an addict having withdrawal symptoms.”

The painful thing about life is that most people don’t get married to that person they feel so much with. Life happens. There are twists and turns. In an alternate universe, I would end up with J. I am not so sure about this universe. Right now, Dionne Warwick’s I’ll Never Love This Way Again is playing in my head. I will savor every moment I have with J.

Life is too short but it’s the longest experience you will ever have. I have learnt to breath; do what FEELS right to me even if it’s “wrong”. You too should do the same. I am crazy about J. Life is not worth living without passion.

Don’t start a job without passion.
Don’t start a relationship without passion.
Don’t go into a marriage without passion.
Don’t start anything without passion.
I could go on and on. The point is this : you should be crazy about life. Remember, life is too short but it’s the longest experience you will ever have. Make every moment matter.