LOVE · MUSING

Ghost of Lovers Past

5th of January, 2015

May the ghosts of our lovers past not haunt us in broad daylight.

Once upon a time, I met someone. Let’s call this person X. X rocked my world, swept me off my feet, challenged everything I had ever believed was the ideal love endeavor. This was my first time feeling this much. It was my first time walking the questionable path. It was X’s  first time, too. I threw caution to the wind. X was madly in lust and deeply in love with me. I knew that from the intensity we both felt. It was an on and off thing with X. X was confused. X wanted me but just couldn’t stop being with the other person. X  was in a relationship. I was the other person, actually. I just didn’t care. Just one kiss ; one touch ; was all it took to convince me to end it with my boyfriend. He was not “it”. But then, X’s confusion was hurting me. X put me on an emotional rollercoaster.

X broke my heart.

I sound pathetic? I was crushed. That was my first time to feel that kind of pain. It felt like X reached into my chest, yanked out my heart, blended it and served me Heart Smoothie. That was 4 years ago. I am over all that. Once in while, I’d ask myself what I’d do if I ever bump into X.

I wasn’t to wonder for long. I ran into X today. I was rooted to the ground. A strong wind couldn’t have blown me away. It felt like I had seen a ghost. Of course, I had seen a ghost. Ghost of a lover past. Ogba, Lagos, was the last place I thought I’d see X. X screamed my name and ran to hug me. I just went through the motions. I was shocked. Shock segued into nervousness. We just did small talk. “My phone is off… Low battery,”  X said. I simply asked for X’s number .

I called X when I got home. I don’t intend calling X again if X doesn’t call. I really hope X doesn’t call. The past is the past. It should not be rehashed.

May we not see or hear from people we have said goodbye to.

May the ghost of our lovers past not find us night or day.

Our past is our past. May our past not sneak its way into our future.

X broke my heart. But that didn’t mean that I vowed never to love again. Like Alice Walker wrote, “our hearts are open when they are broken.” If I didn’t feel hurt, I wouldn’t have been stronger. Telling myself I’d never love again would have been like giving X power over me. It would have deprived me from loving wonderful people through the years.

Letting an event or person dictate and manipulate you, even after they are out of your life, is a bad thing. It is like you allowed that person or event to dictate your life. If you have been hurt in love and you tell yourself you will never love again, you won’t get to meet a wonderful person you will have a fulfilling relationship with. If you try something and it doesn’t work, don’t stop trying. If you have a bad experience, get over it. Else, you won’t get to explore new possibilities. Everyone has their way of healing. Suck it up and get over it and move on to better things. If you keep dwelling on the past, the future will elude you.

Don’t close your heart to love because you were hurt in the past.
Don’t give up on your dreams because they don’t seem to be coming true.
Don’t say never.
Reminds me of Roxette’s Never is a Long Time.

Pain is meant to make you. Not mar you. Don’t dwell on the past. DON’T GIVE THE PAST POWER OVER YOU. YOUR PAST IS NOT YOU. Life is short but it is the longest experience you will ever have. So, enjoy it while it last.

But what should I do now that my past has snuck up on me?

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