MUSING · SARCASM

AN OPEN LETTER TO JIDENNA

Dear Jittery Jidenna,

I got to know of you and your sensational faux pas on social media today. Sweetie, I felt bad… for you. Don’t you know that Nigerians have no chill?

You put the country in a bad light. Don’t you know that Nigeria is one of the best countries in Africa? With our record of low corruption rate, low crime rate, you want to come and tarnish it? Please o, Jidenna. You want to put Nigeria in a bad light! Even sef, many of those people Twitting at you didn’t have light (electricity) in their homes while they were Twit-trashing you.

I still don’t understand what you meant by “Igbo-American”. What do you mean by, “I’m Igbo-American”. In Nigeria, there is no segregation. There is no tribalism. There is no sentimentality along ethnic lines. The 2015 presidential election was a testimony to that. People voted because they wanted the best man to win. It’s not like the people from the South-East and South-South voted for a particular candidate because he was from the south or North. They voted for the person they thought was the best person.

Why did you say would carry “AK-47” if you were to visit the country? Ha! Don’t you know that we don’t carry guns in Nigeria? It is not legalised here o. That is what they do in Ala Bekee. (Jidenna, find out what Ala Bekee means). You said you would carry a gun if you came here. Haba! Nigerians are very peace-loving people. We DO NOT resort to violence of any sort for any reason. Have you ever heard that there was war in Nigeria despite all the hardship we suffer due to our insensitive leaders? No. We love peace. That is why when Nigerians are pushed against the wall, they don’t bounce back. They eke out a space in the wall and vegetate there. I don’t even know what made you think that people get kidnapped in Nigeria. There is nothing like kidnapping in the country. Do we even have armed robbers? No. We simply don’t carry guns. So, there is no need to carry gun, Paranoid Patrick like you. Lemme tell you somt’n, you are alarmed over not’n.

I can’t help being sarcastic. I just can’t help myself. Please, don’t mind those people twit-trashing you. You stated the obvious. Here in Nigeria, we have a gamut of problems plaguing us. Insecurity, unemployment, bad governance, I can’t even start listing them.

There are times I wished I had an AK-47 on me. I would have felt “safe”. Our police force can’t guarantee safety. There was a robbery at a bank in Ipakodo, Ikorodu, Lagos. Do you know that a police station was close by? The newspaper said that the police officers went to hide behind a school in the vicinity. If five of the bank customers carried guns on themselves, don’t you think they could have scared some of the robbers? I am just wondering. Anyway, some of the robbers have been caught.

Nigerian youths are vexed because you said that light-skinned people are kidnapped in Nigeria. My dear, what you said isn’t far from the truth. Even dark-skinned people get kidnapped. One of my classmates in the university was kidnapped for three weeks. It was a matter of “mistaken identity”. In other words, the kidnappers kidnapped the wrong dude. He was dark-skinned. During the fuel scarcity this year, a student of Niger Delta University, Amasoma, Bayelsa, was kidnapped for two weeks. This was in the newspaper. So, Jidenna, they kidnap dark-skinned people, too. You made it look like they don’t kidnap people in the US. They do. Calm down, Jittery Jidenna.

Another thing that is paining the Nigerian youths is that you called yourself “Igbo-American”. In fact, many of these people said your head wasn’t correct. They said you needed Jesus. Some even said you have been brain-washed to believe in Biafra. Who are we deceiving when we say we are one Nigeria?

If we were one Nigeria, the current issue at the National Assembly would have been non-existent. From the look of things, if care is not taken, the ACN faction would go to their tent. The CPC faction would follow suit. Nothing would be left of the APC . I still believe in Buhari. I have confidence that he would make things better. Already he has declared that he would recieve half of his salary. He rejected the exhorbitant armoured cars. This means a lot.

Jidenna, with all the socio-economic problems ravaging our country, Nigerian youths went on to “give it to you” on social media. You were even trending on Twitter. If only they would tackle the issues in our country the way they are tackling you, Nigeria would be a better place. A dude told me, “I don’t need the Nigerian government. I have my business. It doesn’t affect me.” I had to educate him.

“If the government doesn’t create a conducive environment for you to run your business, your business will fail. Don’t you think that the current rate of inflation would affect your business one way or the other? You should be concerned.”

Classic Man, you seem elegant and refined. Be graceful about this. People make mistakes. People say things they didn’t intend to say in the first place. To many Nigerians, you made a faux pas. I see it as you being sincere. You don’t owe anyone an apology for saying what you feel. Some Nigerians in Nigeria are scared to visit their villages. They don’t want any juju or Voodoo. I understand your fears.

Like I said earlier, be graceful about this. You are entitled to your opinions. You are entitled to your fears. You are entitled to say whatever you want as long as it is the truth.

-Cisi Uduh

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3 thoughts on “AN OPEN LETTER TO JIDENNA

  1. Lmao, you and sarcasm – when did you get married again? 😛

    I really like your article. Great and apt!

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