HUMOUR

“Some Things Are Useful, Not Necessary.”

For laughs sake, I sent an article to BellaNaija titled I Want a Wife. Lord, the comments were amusing! Some people do not get sarcasm. Reading their comments, got me thinking…

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After skimming through some heart-crushing, ego-ravaging comments, I had an internal monologue.

Me: Just don’t write anymo-

Dark Me: Girl, you will write more mean stuff to irk close-minded, mother fucking asswipes.

And that was how I sent this shady as fuck article ‘cos I’m petty… and pretty at times. Sometimes, I remove the “r” in “pretty”.

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Yeas! I threw shade at sexists that base beliefs on religion. Some atheists are sexist, but that is not the issue… for now.

Earlier in the post, I wrote, “I’m writing from a place in Lagos and- (screams like a deranged sociopath) oh my gwash! I just saw a unicorn prance over a mass of snow. IT WAS FARTING RAINBOWS!” This meant I was writing from a “surreal” place, but within the post, there were sentences in parenthesis and those were the points I was sending across.

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I ended that article with a post script that reads: “Do you remember that my neighbour I told you is in an abusive relationship; that one that her husband turned her skin to a canvas by painting her blue, black, and red? A snake just walked and talked to her o. It told her, ‘Some things are useful, not necessary. Gladly, those useful things have substitutes.’ You should help me figure out this snake’s riddle. I remember you saying, ‘Genesis story is but an allegory. Why should we base female oppression on a myth, an allegory? (…) The snake in that story represents wisdom (…)’”

In that paragraph, I made it clear Genesis is an allegory. How the fuck does a snake talk? Really? How? Does it even make sense? Yes, the serpent is the symbol of wisdom in some cultures. How did monotheism demonise wisdom? Even the Litany to the Holy Spirit, a Catholic prayer, prays against “unwanted wisdom”. As I tell people, religion and logic is like water and oil. You can’t be logical and subscribe to religion. Like, how the fuck do you believe a snake talked? How do you not believe evolution, yet believe Adam and Eve mutated into four races? How do you cling on to a belief founded on contradictions? How do you believe a loving god orders genocides, supports all forms of oppression, and all? How? Are you really honest with yourself? Do you see why religion is against the serpent? Why it is against wisdom? See? Genesis is an allegory. So funny! And they tell you, “The bible should not be read literally,” to explain all the contradictions. A story that doesn’t add up is a lie. Vex if you want. Even two different Catholic priests at two different times could not explain the contradiction between Genesis one and Genesis two. What the actual fuck? It’s like Christians read their bibles with the preconceived notion that it is infallible.

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About the neighbour in an abusive relationship, I wrote, “Some things are useful, not necessary. (…) Useful things have substitutes.” This is explicit enough- no one is indispensable. Don’t settle for less when you know you deserve more. Truth is that I meant something darker, but I’d rather keep it to myself. Then again, I have a feeling you got what I truly meant when I wrote, “It told her, ‘some things are useful, not necessary. Gladly, those useful things have substitutes.’”

Anyway, that article was written for those who would get it.

 

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